goshdarnspam | (no subject)

Mm. [ He responded in acknowledgement, eyes still narrowing suspiciously at the statement. He could guess, of course, what he was going to say, but he didn't bother. He knew Nelson well enough, and he knew them as a pair to know where there was a pitfall, and questioning it and driving it would just pull them into another fight.

He slid out of his cape, something he often did when he got home now, the house larger than a MAC apartment, but not generous enough on space that he could move around with a cape that would get into everything.

Eventually, with eyes still narrowed, he slid onto the couch, watching Nelson. Maybe not warily, but he wasn't looking anywhere else, not even bothering to look at JR, who had decided that everyone was home, so he could go to sleep. He landed onto the opposite side, not acknowledging the space between them for the moment. ]

I suppose it isn't. If you're going to stay up, you can join me out there more often.

[ More often than he already did. HJ didn't see the logic in sitting around, although he suspected this was a "Nelson" thing. Even if he didn't acknowledge there was a problem, it was still hanging over their heads. ]

[ Nelson turns his gaze toward Hooded Justice, though still doesn't move closer; he remains on his side of the couch, waiting for Hooded Justice come to him (if he will). After a moment of listening to him, Nelson turns away and frowns at the floor, nose wrinkling. ]

I waited up so I could see you. Not for a lecture. I have other things to do, you know. I don't have as much free time as you do to just go waltzing off for whatever I feel like.

[ His expression tightened further in his offense at being admonished, his cheeks going pink. He blinks, still looking askance. ]

I though thought you might be happy I waited.

[ Oh. Well apparently attempting to avoid the issue only meant he'd stepped into it. Or maybe Nelson was sporting for a fight. His eyes narrowed behind his hood. He was looking for words, or something. HJ never knew precisely what he wanted, when he got like this. How was he supposed to know?

He didn't relax, if anything he tensed further.

He may know how to keep things together with Nelson, (for the most part) the shambles of what they had held together by the two of them sidestepping and working around each other as best they could. That didn't mean he was an expert, and he shouldn't be expected to, in his mind. He had more important things on his mind, like how to clean the City. ]

Coming back to it is pleasing. [ He hedged. He was starting to expect it, honestly, and if he was going to stay up, why wouldn't he want to just take to the streets with him? HJ's logic circled back toward what he thought he needed to do. ]

The mood is not.

[ It isn't necessarily that Nelson likes to fight. He doesn't, really -- he wants to be happy, more than anything else -- but the problem is a fight is always what comes out of his mouth when he has no other words handy. It was the downfall of their later years, or at least his downfall, the more they began to feel claustrophobic in each other's space and habits the more it seemed like they were bickering all the time. Back home, at least Nelson had Larry to talk to about it, Larry to try and calm him down. Here, Nelson can only use his words as a defense against every card Hooded Justice carries, because all Nelson's deck has are his age, his weight, the physical limitations that come from either or both (going out and staying up were only the beginning), and Hooded Justice's death; not a winning hand.

He crosses his arms and sits down, pouring himself a drink from the minibar (it's much too late for one, but he doesn't care). ]

What mood?

[ If his eyebrows quirk beneath his hood, it's not caught, black fabric still keeping his features entirely obscured, but he didn't voice his surprise at Nelson's drinking. If anything, he'd noticed it, but hadn't said anything. If it was a problem, he'd mention it, before then, he wouldn't bother.

Instead, he leans, only slightly, toward Nelson. ]

This mood. [ He didn't feel the need to describe it. Being around it was starting to try his patience, which barely walked the razor's edge already. He plants an arm over the back of the couch. ]

I'm sure you noticed.

I'm not in a mood.

[ Nelson gives Hooded Justice a look of frustration, sipping his drink slowly and crossing his legs. He shakes his head, disagreeing further even though he knows Hooded Justice is right. He just feels less entitled to his upset, this defensiveness, here than he had ever had back home when they'd been together. So much is different now, he really ought to be more grateful. ]

Y-you think this-- I just feel like we're so-- [ He exhales sharply, and simply moves over to lean his head against Hooded Justice. ] Do you want to be here?

[ Oh. It was one of those talks. Nelson seemed determined to draw him into this, no matter what he did, but leaning against him, HJ just gave him a look tipping his head so he could catch sight of his blonde hair, before leaning back into the couch a bit, arm sliding up to the back of the couch. Accommodating. ]

In the City? It's a step above being dead.

[ But he knew that it wasn't the question. The question was did he want to be here, with Nelson. That, HJ didn't know how to answer. Did he?

It was comfortable, and familiar, and the only place he could think of being, other than alone, out on the streets. Not that there he wouldn't survive, or thrive out there, but there were advantages to being here. Sometimes, he thought of leaving, not coming back, and reminding himself how weak he'd become, but still his feet always came back this way.

Every night. ]

I don't go anywhere I don't want to be.

[ When Nelson senses Hooded Justice's impatience he gets more frustrated and impatient himself, tired of always being the one to instigate these conversations that -- in his opinion -- are completely reasonable. What kind of lovers never spoke? What was so wrong with wanting to understand each other?

But Hooded Justice had never thought that way about him -- not as far as Nelson knew, anyway. He certainly always fought back whenever Nelson tried, and they both had turned their relationship into one where they were nearly always fighting. Simple conversation is impossible. Nelson doesn't want to seem like he's the only one in love.

He's very quiet when he continues: ]

I just think that you don't have any place else to be.

[ HJ's greatest enemy was his own reticence. A need to keep everyone, even Nelson as far as at least an arm's distance away. Like he was holding him off, even while he clawed and scraped and tried to grasp for any semblance of understanding or knowledge.

It made Justice feel like the noose was tightening around his neck. ]

I could be on the streets, Nelson. I could be out there. [ He gestured, with his other hand, toward the door. The one on the back of the couch remained where it was.

And it was true, yes. Even while he didn't necessarily say it, he didn't have anywhere to go. He couldn't imagine where else, not here. There was no Minutemen tower, the MAC wasn't much of a place to stay, either. He may not have anywhere else to go, but there would few places HJ would find as fitting.

He thought his discerning taste should say enough. But Nelson always wanted further reassurance. Further acknowledgement of more than he could give. What he wasn't capable of providing, even if Nelson thought he should. ]

I choose to be here.

[ Nelson sighs, sitting up again so he can give Hooded Justice an impatient sort of look. He sweeps his hand through his hair. ]

You know exactly what I mean. You don't need to tell me what you think you want me to hear, Hooded Justice -- I know you aren't going to sleep out on the streets. Even though you certainly spend as much time as possible out there.

[ He puts his hand on Hooded Justice's hand, looking at him, then looking forward as he sips his drink sadly. He changes the subject, slightly: ]

I think the worst part of everything... about everything that happened, I hated that you were alone. You didn't deserve that. I never wanted things to end with us hating each other.

[ And they had hated each other, in the end. Too many fights, too much frustration. HJ hated and resented that Nelson hadn't been committed enough to what they'd set out to do in the beginning. Hated the government for digging in, and trying to put an end to their work. It was easier, now, to blame them instead of Nelson, but even so, he'd still resented him.

It died down, as the years passed, but it wasn't something that just dissipated into thin air, either. He still felt a measure of frustration, concerned that he wasn't committed enough even now. Especially now, and especially now that they were both getting older.

He hated that, as well, but that was through no fault of Nelson's, because neither of them could honestly expect to stop time. ]

Neither of us did. [ And really, truthfully and honestly, he hadn't either. If he could have suspended time, back when things had been in their stride, he would have. They may not have been good, they had never been good, but they had been comfortable and it had worked. It hadn't mattered that he'd gone out, releasing frustration and fury harder than he would have on Nelson. Getting it out of his system.

Now he took to the streets for that. It was something, at least. ]

It happened the way it did. Simple as that. There's no changing the past.

[ Hooded Justice had never had the luxury of even entertaining the idea, as much as he may have wished it. ]

I'm trying to fight for you.

[ His eyebrows raise, a little imploringly. Pleading, nearly. His hand tightens its grip upon Hooded Justice's. ]

You're right -- there's no changing how things happened. It doesn't matter. None of it matters. But that's the whole point, Justice, w-we can start over now. All we really need is each other, now. Everything is different.

And...

[ Nelson leans close to Hooded Justice again, rubbing his face against Hooded Justice's chest. He embraces him a little loosely. ]

New.

If we want it to be.

[ He had his doubts that it could ever truly be new. They had too much history, and he figured it was Nelson trying to be romantic, or gloss over problems. Not that HJ was going to argue or belabor the point. He didn't want to dive back into this, now that they'd seemed to at least come up for air.

Now, it wasn't that he wasn't just as guilty as Nelson was. He was just as much, if not more, guilty. Even so, because it was something that happened, didn't mean that he wanted to continue it. Not when he wasn't the one in control of it. Even so, his loose hand swept against his back, holding him there. ]

It could be, yes. [ He paused, a touch of silence taking over, that he hoped Nelson would have the good sense not to break, while he considered what to say. HJ wasn't the sort that used words, if he could avoid it. Nelson was one of the few he could at least speak with some frankness, but even then, he felt the need to choose his words carefully. ]

If I didn't want it, we wouldn't be here right now.

You know-- [ With a sigh and a frown: ] You always do that. You don't say when you do want something, it's... "if I didn't"... what's the difference between something that you want and something you just do? Obligation and pleasure aren't the same thing.

[ He's encouraged by Hooded Justice's arm, though, and he leans closer, seating himself against Hooded Justice's lap even though he has to be more careful about doing so these days. He nestles his face against what was in theory the crook of Hooded Justice's neck. ]

If I didn't want you we wouldn't be having these conversations.

[ It was lucky he chose that moment to bury himself into an area that was comparable to his neck. A little off, but close enough, considering the barrier that Nelson had to work with, which was his hood. He adjusted, slightly, compensating for the differences with Nelson's body than he'd once been used to. HJ hadn't changed all that much, despite his age, but he'd worked extremely hard to stay in the shape he was in.

Really, to the point of obsession. How else could he stay out?

He rolled his eyes, thankfully obscured by the angle and his dark hood. ]

I have rarely sacrificed pleasure for obligation. [ Even still, his hand tightened slightly around his back, holding him in place. ]

I thought you would understand that.

[ Nelson opens his eyes, peering upward before he hides his face further and shakes his head. He slides his hand slowly down Hooded Justice's stomach, stroking his muscles slowly. ]

How am I supposed to? I barely know how you feel about anything, you never tell me. Maybe I'd like to know what makes you happy aside from fighting and sex so that I can do it for you. This is our home.

[ He's not sure what it'll take for him to believe that Hooded Justice is happy and not just bored and restless and following a routine, for lack of alternative. ]

... I'm not going to make you say that you love me. I just want to know that you [ "still" ] like me.

[ This wasn't the sort of thing that was going to resolve, and Hooded Justice knew it wasn't. The issue was, there wasn't much that did make him happy. He hadn't ever really thought of happiness as something that he would ever have. It was a nebulous, puzzling thing that he'd hardly considered.

He didn't show it, but his stomach shifted. A small adjustment, movement in reaction to being touched. He grunted softly. ]

Is that the question? [ Almost frustrated by the question itself. He was still annoyed, mad at Nelson, for telling him about his death. For playing a part in it. More than anything, though, that anger had been well-focused onto the two who'd actually killed him.

Nelson was lucky, he had a buffer to soften the blow, and the admission that he'd still never looked. Sometimes, he thought Nelson was looking for something to stress out about.

Still he paused, uncertain how to word or say it, thumb idly moving on his back. ] There are no other people I would even consider living with. Isn't that answer enough?

[ "Yes," he should say, but it's not what's on Nelson's mind. Even as he touches Hooded Justice carefully and affectionately, anxiety won't settle and makes him bite his lower lip and lean his forehead against Hooded Justice's chest. ]

I don't know. There are plenty of things you can do with people you aren't living with. And plenty of things you might not do with people you are.

[ His fingers brush the hood just for a moment, before he pulls them back and instead lets them stroke in the opposite direction, downward. ]

I just want us to be able to talk. Both of us. It's hard on me, too, Justice, I-I don't enjoy not being able to keep up with you out there. It's humiliating.

[ He stiffened, slightly, at the implication, Nelson's fingers grazing against the dark cloth that kept Hooded Justice sequestered from the rest of the world. As if the implication was enough to make him wish to retreat. He relaxed, when Nelson's fingers drifted back down.

His arm shifted, only slightly, giving him a touch more mobility, drifting down lower. ]

That can be fixed. [ Like stone, he was resolute in that. It was will that kept him going, couldn't it work for others the same way? Even still, that wasn't the real subject, and his fingers danced a touch lower, hooded head tipping down slightly, even if he couldn't catch much of a sight of Nelson, with the way he was burying himself into HJ's chest. ]

Speaking is not something I do much of. [ He finally broached the true subject, actually verbalizing a discomfort and inability to actually open up in a way that he'd never done before. ] There isn't much for me to say.

It can. You could stay in with me more often.

[ Even though he knows that is (probably) not what Hooded Justice was getting at. Nelson adjusts himself so that they're essentially face to face -- chest to chest, more accurately, except even then it's Nelson's face that's pressed up against Hooded Justice. He breathes slowly, not really put off that they're bickering (sort of) as they awkwardly snuggle on the couch, fighting has always had a strange and equal role in their relationship. ]

What if we worked out a compromise? You don't have to say much, just be... just... don't avoid my questions. Even if it's just "yes" or "no." For example-- [ Nelson turns his head so that his cheek rests against Hooded Justice's shoulder. He lets his hand trail lower, stroking Hooded Justice's abdomen. ] Is this okay?

[ It was a tall order, at the very least. His secrets should be his secrets, and his alone. Conversing meant Nelson was getting closer. It made him cagey, because there was only so long that he could avoid the questions for so long, with Nelson asking for answers. Even 'yes or no' was going to get too close.

But he wasn't thinking about that too much right now. His brain was elsewhere. Nelson had played his cards right, at this moment. ]

Yes. [ He didn't have to shift much, to make things a little more comfortable -- or maybe a little closer. HJ let him stay where they were, breathing leveling out. This was the sort of bickering he could handle. He knew where this could go. ]

You could come out more with me, too.

[ His hand drifted a little lower, thumb making a small trail of strokes while it moved. ]

[ Nelson rubs his hand lower, leaning his head back so that he can kiss around Hooded Justice's neck area -- just brief kisses off affection, since they're both still mostly clothed -- as his other hand begins to stroke Hooded Justice's thigh. ]

What about this? [ Another kiss, this time against Hooded Justice's shoulder, though Nelson pauses and wrinkles his nose slightly. ] You know I can't. I-if I could be out there as much as you are I would be, it's not that I don't want to.

[ The soft note of affirmation was softly killed at the tail end, when Nelson stopped, and his fingers dug in slightly. Nelson might not think he could, but Hooded Justice thought he would adapt, if he had to. He mulled it over, drifting lower still, till he was at the small of his back. ]

One extra night. [ He paused, waiting for protest, but kept going anyway. ] If I stay in more. [ His other hand, supposedly dormant, came to rest on his shoulder, holding him down. ] Once a week.

[ Breathing a little harder, Nelson leans his forehead against Hooded Justice's chest and curls his fingers to grip at the fabric of Hooded Justice's costume. ]

I'll try to, if you do. You can help staying in more than I can help being fa-- ... fatigued...

[ Face a little red, he adjusts himself slightly and leans back, tugging on Hooded Justice's noose to pull him along. ]

But I'll do my best. One extra night isn't so bad.

[ The things Nelson would do for Hooded Justice. He thought it would be good for him, and perhaps help him shed the pounds he'd gained over the years -- for his health of course.

He let Nelson tug him along, not letting him get too far, instead opting to keep his hands where he'd had them, keeping them close. ]

No, it isn't. It'll give you less nights to stay up.

[ A touch pointed. He still didn't see the need to stay up, when he wasn't there, waiting for him, but HJ was the sort that wasn't going to understand. Not easily, anyway. Perhaps he didn't need to, but he did need to learn to accept it. ]