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[ HJ's greatest enemy was his own reticence. A need to keep everyone, even Nelson as far as at least an arm's distance away. Like he was holding him off, even while he clawed and scraped and tried to grasp for any semblance of understanding or knowledge.

It made Justice feel like the noose was tightening around his neck. ]

I could be on the streets, Nelson. I could be out there. [ He gestured, with his other hand, toward the door. The one on the back of the couch remained where it was.

And it was true, yes. Even while he didn't necessarily say it, he didn't have anywhere to go. He couldn't imagine where else, not here. There was no Minutemen tower, the MAC wasn't much of a place to stay, either. He may not have anywhere else to go, but there would few places HJ would find as fitting.

He thought his discerning taste should say enough. But Nelson always wanted further reassurance. Further acknowledgement of more than he could give. What he wasn't capable of providing, even if Nelson thought he should. ]

I choose to be here.

[ Nelson sighs, sitting up again so he can give Hooded Justice an impatient sort of look. He sweeps his hand through his hair. ]

You know exactly what I mean. You don't need to tell me what you think you want me to hear, Hooded Justice -- I know you aren't going to sleep out on the streets. Even though you certainly spend as much time as possible out there.

[ He puts his hand on Hooded Justice's hand, looking at him, then looking forward as he sips his drink sadly. He changes the subject, slightly: ]

I think the worst part of everything... about everything that happened, I hated that you were alone. You didn't deserve that. I never wanted things to end with us hating each other.

[ And they had hated each other, in the end. Too many fights, too much frustration. HJ hated and resented that Nelson hadn't been committed enough to what they'd set out to do in the beginning. Hated the government for digging in, and trying to put an end to their work. It was easier, now, to blame them instead of Nelson, but even so, he'd still resented him.

It died down, as the years passed, but it wasn't something that just dissipated into thin air, either. He still felt a measure of frustration, concerned that he wasn't committed enough even now. Especially now, and especially now that they were both getting older.

He hated that, as well, but that was through no fault of Nelson's, because neither of them could honestly expect to stop time. ]

Neither of us did. [ And really, truthfully and honestly, he hadn't either. If he could have suspended time, back when things had been in their stride, he would have. They may not have been good, they had never been good, but they had been comfortable and it had worked. It hadn't mattered that he'd gone out, releasing frustration and fury harder than he would have on Nelson. Getting it out of his system.

Now he took to the streets for that. It was something, at least. ]

It happened the way it did. Simple as that. There's no changing the past.

[ Hooded Justice had never had the luxury of even entertaining the idea, as much as he may have wished it. ]

I'm trying to fight for you.

[ His eyebrows raise, a little imploringly. Pleading, nearly. His hand tightens its grip upon Hooded Justice's. ]

You're right -- there's no changing how things happened. It doesn't matter. None of it matters. But that's the whole point, Justice, w-we can start over now. All we really need is each other, now. Everything is different.

And...

[ Nelson leans close to Hooded Justice again, rubbing his face against Hooded Justice's chest. He embraces him a little loosely. ]

New.

If we want it to be.

[ He had his doubts that it could ever truly be new. They had too much history, and he figured it was Nelson trying to be romantic, or gloss over problems. Not that HJ was going to argue or belabor the point. He didn't want to dive back into this, now that they'd seemed to at least come up for air.

Now, it wasn't that he wasn't just as guilty as Nelson was. He was just as much, if not more, guilty. Even so, because it was something that happened, didn't mean that he wanted to continue it. Not when he wasn't the one in control of it. Even so, his loose hand swept against his back, holding him there. ]

It could be, yes. [ He paused, a touch of silence taking over, that he hoped Nelson would have the good sense not to break, while he considered what to say. HJ wasn't the sort that used words, if he could avoid it. Nelson was one of the few he could at least speak with some frankness, but even then, he felt the need to choose his words carefully. ]

If I didn't want it, we wouldn't be here right now.

You know-- [ With a sigh and a frown: ] You always do that. You don't say when you do want something, it's... "if I didn't"... what's the difference between something that you want and something you just do? Obligation and pleasure aren't the same thing.

[ He's encouraged by Hooded Justice's arm, though, and he leans closer, seating himself against Hooded Justice's lap even though he has to be more careful about doing so these days. He nestles his face against what was in theory the crook of Hooded Justice's neck. ]

If I didn't want you we wouldn't be having these conversations.

[ It was lucky he chose that moment to bury himself into an area that was comparable to his neck. A little off, but close enough, considering the barrier that Nelson had to work with, which was his hood. He adjusted, slightly, compensating for the differences with Nelson's body than he'd once been used to. HJ hadn't changed all that much, despite his age, but he'd worked extremely hard to stay in the shape he was in.

Really, to the point of obsession. How else could he stay out?

He rolled his eyes, thankfully obscured by the angle and his dark hood. ]

I have rarely sacrificed pleasure for obligation. [ Even still, his hand tightened slightly around his back, holding him in place. ]

I thought you would understand that.

[ Nelson opens his eyes, peering upward before he hides his face further and shakes his head. He slides his hand slowly down Hooded Justice's stomach, stroking his muscles slowly. ]

How am I supposed to? I barely know how you feel about anything, you never tell me. Maybe I'd like to know what makes you happy aside from fighting and sex so that I can do it for you. This is our home.

[ He's not sure what it'll take for him to believe that Hooded Justice is happy and not just bored and restless and following a routine, for lack of alternative. ]

... I'm not going to make you say that you love me. I just want to know that you [ "still" ] like me.

[ This wasn't the sort of thing that was going to resolve, and Hooded Justice knew it wasn't. The issue was, there wasn't much that did make him happy. He hadn't ever really thought of happiness as something that he would ever have. It was a nebulous, puzzling thing that he'd hardly considered.

He didn't show it, but his stomach shifted. A small adjustment, movement in reaction to being touched. He grunted softly. ]

Is that the question? [ Almost frustrated by the question itself. He was still annoyed, mad at Nelson, for telling him about his death. For playing a part in it. More than anything, though, that anger had been well-focused onto the two who'd actually killed him.

Nelson was lucky, he had a buffer to soften the blow, and the admission that he'd still never looked. Sometimes, he thought Nelson was looking for something to stress out about.

Still he paused, uncertain how to word or say it, thumb idly moving on his back. ] There are no other people I would even consider living with. Isn't that answer enough?

[ "Yes," he should say, but it's not what's on Nelson's mind. Even as he touches Hooded Justice carefully and affectionately, anxiety won't settle and makes him bite his lower lip and lean his forehead against Hooded Justice's chest. ]

I don't know. There are plenty of things you can do with people you aren't living with. And plenty of things you might not do with people you are.

[ His fingers brush the hood just for a moment, before he pulls them back and instead lets them stroke in the opposite direction, downward. ]

I just want us to be able to talk. Both of us. It's hard on me, too, Justice, I-I don't enjoy not being able to keep up with you out there. It's humiliating.

[ He stiffened, slightly, at the implication, Nelson's fingers grazing against the dark cloth that kept Hooded Justice sequestered from the rest of the world. As if the implication was enough to make him wish to retreat. He relaxed, when Nelson's fingers drifted back down.

His arm shifted, only slightly, giving him a touch more mobility, drifting down lower. ]

That can be fixed. [ Like stone, he was resolute in that. It was will that kept him going, couldn't it work for others the same way? Even still, that wasn't the real subject, and his fingers danced a touch lower, hooded head tipping down slightly, even if he couldn't catch much of a sight of Nelson, with the way he was burying himself into HJ's chest. ]

Speaking is not something I do much of. [ He finally broached the true subject, actually verbalizing a discomfort and inability to actually open up in a way that he'd never done before. ] There isn't much for me to say.

It can. You could stay in with me more often.

[ Even though he knows that is (probably) not what Hooded Justice was getting at. Nelson adjusts himself so that they're essentially face to face -- chest to chest, more accurately, except even then it's Nelson's face that's pressed up against Hooded Justice. He breathes slowly, not really put off that they're bickering (sort of) as they awkwardly snuggle on the couch, fighting has always had a strange and equal role in their relationship. ]

What if we worked out a compromise? You don't have to say much, just be... just... don't avoid my questions. Even if it's just "yes" or "no." For example-- [ Nelson turns his head so that his cheek rests against Hooded Justice's shoulder. He lets his hand trail lower, stroking Hooded Justice's abdomen. ] Is this okay?

[ It was a tall order, at the very least. His secrets should be his secrets, and his alone. Conversing meant Nelson was getting closer. It made him cagey, because there was only so long that he could avoid the questions for so long, with Nelson asking for answers. Even 'yes or no' was going to get too close.

But he wasn't thinking about that too much right now. His brain was elsewhere. Nelson had played his cards right, at this moment. ]

Yes. [ He didn't have to shift much, to make things a little more comfortable -- or maybe a little closer. HJ let him stay where they were, breathing leveling out. This was the sort of bickering he could handle. He knew where this could go. ]

You could come out more with me, too.

[ His hand drifted a little lower, thumb making a small trail of strokes while it moved. ]

[ Nelson rubs his hand lower, leaning his head back so that he can kiss around Hooded Justice's neck area -- just brief kisses off affection, since they're both still mostly clothed -- as his other hand begins to stroke Hooded Justice's thigh. ]

What about this? [ Another kiss, this time against Hooded Justice's shoulder, though Nelson pauses and wrinkles his nose slightly. ] You know I can't. I-if I could be out there as much as you are I would be, it's not that I don't want to.

[ The soft note of affirmation was softly killed at the tail end, when Nelson stopped, and his fingers dug in slightly. Nelson might not think he could, but Hooded Justice thought he would adapt, if he had to. He mulled it over, drifting lower still, till he was at the small of his back. ]

One extra night. [ He paused, waiting for protest, but kept going anyway. ] If I stay in more. [ His other hand, supposedly dormant, came to rest on his shoulder, holding him down. ] Once a week.

[ Breathing a little harder, Nelson leans his forehead against Hooded Justice's chest and curls his fingers to grip at the fabric of Hooded Justice's costume. ]

I'll try to, if you do. You can help staying in more than I can help being fa-- ... fatigued...

[ Face a little red, he adjusts himself slightly and leans back, tugging on Hooded Justice's noose to pull him along. ]

But I'll do my best. One extra night isn't so bad.

[ The things Nelson would do for Hooded Justice. He thought it would be good for him, and perhaps help him shed the pounds he'd gained over the years -- for his health of course.

He let Nelson tug him along, not letting him get too far, instead opting to keep his hands where he'd had them, keeping them close. ]

No, it isn't. It'll give you less nights to stay up.

[ A touch pointed. He still didn't see the need to stay up, when he wasn't there, waiting for him, but HJ was the sort that wasn't going to understand. Not easily, anyway. Perhaps he didn't need to, but he did need to learn to accept it. ]

I only stay up when I'm waiting for you. When I say... fatigued I don't mean sleepy.

[ Lying back now, Nelson stares up at Hooded Justice, blinking meekly. He lets go of the rope, stroking his hand over HJ's chest again before he wraps his arms both around Hooded Justice's neck. He leans his head forward, sighing a little and glancing aside. He's getting a little tense, a little nervous, but he goes on: ]

Y-you think I'm just out of shape, but you don't know how hard I try. I don't like being unattractive to you. Even if I'm thankful you haven't left yet because of it.

[ The changes had been the worst part of adjusting. Nelson wasn't the same, and Hooded Justice had a very specific Type. Age had made him fall from that grace, but Hooded Justice didn't exactly stop himself either. It wasn't just that he found this new environment difficult and unsatisfactory to make a connection in, although that's certainly what he told himself.

He wasn't exactly having difficulty with finding interest in Nelson. Even now. He pressed a little closer, hoping that would keep him from having to answer that. This was like presenting a prize, while not saying there was a trap between himself and his destination. He would need to tread carefully, or else he was going to be extremely sorely disappointed.

His noose swayed, brushing against Nelson's chest, and he moved to make sure the would fit. ]

I'm not going to leave because of that. I don't think it's getting in the way of much, is it?

[ He was finding less and less reasons to leave, even though a part of him thrashed just to get out. Now. ]

[ Nelson blinks in both relief and surprise, his shoulders relaxing as he feels a weight -- no pun intended -- has just been lifted from them. He's been afraid until now to even voice these insecurities, because unlike the other ones he has no experience with Hooded Justice's reaction. He'd been paranoid that maybe drawing any attention to it would remind Hooded Justice there were plenty of other younger, thinner, and presumably willing men out there waiting to be discovered.

He smiles a little shyly. ]

No. No. You've really been wonderful about the whole thing. I didn't -- I don't want you feeling disappointed, convenience aside. [ Given his suppositions about Hooded Justice's history with fidelity, it means a lot to Nelson. ] It isn't as if I could do much about it, if you did. So I--

[ He leans upward slightly, kissing where he suspects Hooded Justice's chin is beneath his hood. ]

I'm happy. I'm so happy that you're here.

[ His chin has a bit of give, just enough to indicate that it's not just skin underneath there, but Hooded Justice, despite his need for secrecy, isn't thinking about that right now. He may hold the dominant position in the relationship, but Nelson knew how to wind him up, and get him going in another direction, mind it was only one direction, but once he got going, he didn't necessarily stop.

Even his words, which Hooded Justice heard, weren't really something he could respond to. He wasn't happy to be here. Well, here in the City, it was like a constant reminder of his death, now that he knew. The only place he wasn't so angry, was here.

Which didn't make sense, so he didn't dwell on it. ]

How happy? [ His hood tipped slightly, over Nelson, one hand running along his side, gentler than usual. Even when HJ wasn't violent, normally there was a touch of barely contained roughness. ]

I couldn't do this on my own.

[ It's a blunt and fairly quiet admission, but Nelson doesn't mind making it -- especially not after what else he'd admitted. He breathes slowly, wetting his lips and letting himself lie back and stare up at Hooded Justice contently. Suddenly he felt much better, nearly all the fight he'd had in him minutes earlier vanishing into the air. ]

Very happy. I didn't think we'd ever see each other again, and... well, I'd never be content, with anyone else. It's some kind of miracle that we're together. [ He blinks. ] I want you to be happy, too.

[ Maybe it was a miracle, or maybe it was something else, but even Hooded Justice had to admit that them both being here, alive and relatively well was something that neither of them could have had, back home anymore. Not just because of HUAC, but because he was dead. The fact burned low, a soft reminder that things were different here.

Not just out there, either. Between them, too.

But happy wasn't something he knew how to be. Content, or satisfied, but happy? He'd lived through too much. He'd burned his rope at both ends for too long. ]

Nobody else. [ A statement, more than a question, but there was still the trace of it, laced in his words. ]

I am satisfied, right now. [ It was as close as he could get, maybe. That he would allow himself to get. ]

There isn't anybody else.

[ Just in case it even needs saying. Not that Nelson never looks, but looking is completely different -- it's harmless. He loves Hooded Justice far too much to ever be seriously tempted outside of his periodic fits of discontent.

Maybe "happy" really is too strong of a word, but Nelson isn't sure which would be better. As much as he would prefer to be home, he can only be with Hooded Justice here. "Happy" is the closest word he can think of to encompass how much that means, even if it cuts out all his conflict from the equation. ]

... So am I. Maybe it'll even last this time. For both of us, I mean. I don't think we're doing so bad.

[ And they don't even have Larry. ]

No. We're not. [ Comparatively, at least. To their own experience. They had their troubles, and they always would. Hooded Justice wasn't made for relationships, his history too mired and colored by his past, and yet he still kept close. Oddly enough.

Parts of him he didn't acknowledge operating without stopping, not willing to put an end to it. He didn't want to, actually. Perhaps keep it a certain way, but not stop. He paused, thinking, but even so, he still didn't stop a slow drag of his fingers, still surprisingly slower and gentler than usual. ]

We could be doing worse.

Edited (Repetitive words are my downfall) 2013-07-02 22:00 (UTC)