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goshdarnspam2010-01-18 12:30 am
laihiriel.livejournal.com) wrote in goshdarnspam2010-01-18 12:30 am
Entry tags:
It had to happen.
Okay, guys, so we have two of the biggest pimps EVER in our game. That's gotta be some major macho posing right? But dang that would get old after a while. So why not just have a contest? Whose pick up skills reign supreme? And so, I proudly present to you:
That's right, ladies and gentleman of C&C, this contest will determine once and for all who is the better antihero pimp. So let's dive in and watch, shall we? Our announcers and hosts for the evening are the eternally horny and always funny Weasel, and the one-of-a-kind psychic, Shawn Spencer!
We've given our competitors just four hours, ladies and gentlemen! Now, let's see who can convince the most girls to come back with him?
Weasel: Oooh.... Looks like Stark's not starting out well, that bodacious blonde just threw her drink in his face!
Shawn: But oh, look! Bond's gotten into a scuffle with the proprietor of the establishment! Something about a... drug ring? Wow, that was unexpected! And yet... somehow... almost formulaic. But it won't earn him points with the chicks!
Weasel: It seems both our competitiors are off to a rocky start! Oh, what's this? Stark's already using his drink-splattered face to earn sympathy points from that red-head! Not quite my taste, but that's not why we're here, is it?
Shawn: Truly, we're witnessing the work of a master. It's not just any man that can turn such a crappy situation into such an opportunity! But perhaps the same can be said of Mr. Bond! He's already taken out that sleazy manager, and it seems that it wasn't just drugs he was smuggling! I've never seen a gaggle of women more grateful to be rescued!
Weasel: Absolutely amazing, Shawn. That means that as of now, Mr. Bond is in the lead! But oh, what's this? The redhead Mr. Stark's been schmoozing has friends! And... is that her twin?! I think that one should earn double points! Yes, they've invited him back over to their table for drinks! He's in!
Shawn: I think we need to be better friends with that guy, Wease. I think the score is back up to a tie! Now, remember, ladies and gentlemen, the point of the evening is not merely to get these girls' numbers, but to, in fact, pick them up. This means that the girls must leave this establishment fully intending to go back with the man that schmoozed the best! So while both competitors both have strong leads, the night is very, very young, and as we know, women are very, very fickle.
Weasel: And a perfect illustration of that fickleness is apparent over at the Stark table! Three of the ladies have just gone en masse to the restroom! That's never a good sign!
Shawn: No it's not! Stark better make a move, because Bond's going over to intercept them! Oh, ice burn! Is that even allowed?
Weasel: All is fair in love and war! And in this competition, I think it's a combination of the two!
Shawn: Well, Mr. Stark doesn't seem to think so, he's moving in to intercept! For those of you watching at home, here's a pro tip! Fistfights won't earn you any points with the ladies, men!
Weasel: Indeed it won't, Shawn. In a recent survey, over 60% of the women we polled indicated that masculine shows of possession were a turn-off!
Shawn: ... Those numbers weren't from our superheroine population, were they?
Weasel: No, actually, they weren't. Huh, you'd think the research department would be on the ball. And speaking of balls, Bond must have some big ones, because he's actually ignoring Stark and focusing solely on the women! That man truly is the epitome of cool, but Stark doesn't look too happy about it!
Shawn: And neither do the women at the table he left. Oooh, Stark might be spreading himself too thin, and potentially will lose all of his potential dates for the evening!
Weasel: But look so will Bond! It seems the women he's rescued are sensible, and have called the police to report their ordeal to the proper authorities!
Shawn: The tension is so thick in here you could cut it with a knife! Will our competitors remember the point of the competition before the first punch is thrown? Will the patience of these willing women finally be extinguished? Will the cops come in and stop our fun, and if so, do you think Commissioner Maza will show up and yell at us?
Weasel: Only way to know for sure, Shawn, is to stick around and watch! But Commissioner Momjeans is more likely to yell at you than me. Don't you and your boyfriend work for her?
Shawn: Not even gonna dignify that with an answer, Wease. But look! There's more action down on the floor with our two competitors! A scuffle might be breaking out!
Weasel: If they throw a punch, I'm pretty sure the women they've snared so far will be pretty disgusted and head out! And yes, that's it, the punch is thrown!
Shawn: It's a full-blown fistfight here on the competition floor! They're not disqualified yet, but the bar is emptying out pretty quickly to avoid the violence!
Weasel: So much destruction with only their bare hands! Bond's resourceful, I'll give him that! And there goes that table...
Shawn: Folks, I think it's safe to say that neither gentleman is going to be leaving here on the arms of anyone other than a cop or a medic!
Weasel: So... does that mean it's a draw?
Shawn: Actually... yes, ladies and gentlemen, I think it's true... we do have a winner!
Weasel: Why, would you lookit that! So we do! Our winner for the evening wasn't even in the competition, but is surrounded almost every single lady who was in this establishment, the lucky bastard!
Shawn: I think high congratulations are in order for our winner, SANJI!! I guess the way to a woman's heart is also through her stomach. Join us next time for our next competition between the imPorted, a cop-off between Lassi and Pete. Who will arrest more bad guys in one afternoon? Who will do so within the bounds of the law?
Weasel: Thank you all and have a wonderful evening!
The First Annual Stark v. Bond Pick-Up Competition!
That's right, ladies and gentleman of C&C, this contest will determine once and for all who is the better antihero pimp. So let's dive in and watch, shall we? Our announcers and hosts for the evening are the eternally horny and always funny Weasel, and the one-of-a-kind psychic, Shawn Spencer!
We've given our competitors just four hours, ladies and gentlemen! Now, let's see who can convince the most girls to come back with him?
Weasel: Oooh.... Looks like Stark's not starting out well, that bodacious blonde just threw her drink in his face!
Shawn: But oh, look! Bond's gotten into a scuffle with the proprietor of the establishment! Something about a... drug ring? Wow, that was unexpected! And yet... somehow... almost formulaic. But it won't earn him points with the chicks!
Weasel: It seems both our competitiors are off to a rocky start! Oh, what's this? Stark's already using his drink-splattered face to earn sympathy points from that red-head! Not quite my taste, but that's not why we're here, is it?
Shawn: Truly, we're witnessing the work of a master. It's not just any man that can turn such a crappy situation into such an opportunity! But perhaps the same can be said of Mr. Bond! He's already taken out that sleazy manager, and it seems that it wasn't just drugs he was smuggling! I've never seen a gaggle of women more grateful to be rescued!
Weasel: Absolutely amazing, Shawn. That means that as of now, Mr. Bond is in the lead! But oh, what's this? The redhead Mr. Stark's been schmoozing has friends! And... is that her twin?! I think that one should earn double points! Yes, they've invited him back over to their table for drinks! He's in!
Shawn: I think we need to be better friends with that guy, Wease. I think the score is back up to a tie! Now, remember, ladies and gentlemen, the point of the evening is not merely to get these girls' numbers, but to, in fact, pick them up. This means that the girls must leave this establishment fully intending to go back with the man that schmoozed the best! So while both competitors both have strong leads, the night is very, very young, and as we know, women are very, very fickle.
Weasel: And a perfect illustration of that fickleness is apparent over at the Stark table! Three of the ladies have just gone en masse to the restroom! That's never a good sign!
Shawn: No it's not! Stark better make a move, because Bond's going over to intercept them! Oh, ice burn! Is that even allowed?
Weasel: All is fair in love and war! And in this competition, I think it's a combination of the two!
Shawn: Well, Mr. Stark doesn't seem to think so, he's moving in to intercept! For those of you watching at home, here's a pro tip! Fistfights won't earn you any points with the ladies, men!
Weasel: Indeed it won't, Shawn. In a recent survey, over 60% of the women we polled indicated that masculine shows of possession were a turn-off!
Shawn: ... Those numbers weren't from our superheroine population, were they?
Weasel: No, actually, they weren't. Huh, you'd think the research department would be on the ball. And speaking of balls, Bond must have some big ones, because he's actually ignoring Stark and focusing solely on the women! That man truly is the epitome of cool, but Stark doesn't look too happy about it!
Shawn: And neither do the women at the table he left. Oooh, Stark might be spreading himself too thin, and potentially will lose all of his potential dates for the evening!
Weasel: But look so will Bond! It seems the women he's rescued are sensible, and have called the police to report their ordeal to the proper authorities!
Shawn: The tension is so thick in here you could cut it with a knife! Will our competitors remember the point of the competition before the first punch is thrown? Will the patience of these willing women finally be extinguished? Will the cops come in and stop our fun, and if so, do you think Commissioner Maza will show up and yell at us?
Weasel: Only way to know for sure, Shawn, is to stick around and watch! But Commissioner Momjeans is more likely to yell at you than me. Don't you and your boyfriend work for her?
Shawn: Not even gonna dignify that with an answer, Wease. But look! There's more action down on the floor with our two competitors! A scuffle might be breaking out!
Weasel: If they throw a punch, I'm pretty sure the women they've snared so far will be pretty disgusted and head out! And yes, that's it, the punch is thrown!
Shawn: It's a full-blown fistfight here on the competition floor! They're not disqualified yet, but the bar is emptying out pretty quickly to avoid the violence!
Weasel: So much destruction with only their bare hands! Bond's resourceful, I'll give him that! And there goes that table...
Shawn: Folks, I think it's safe to say that neither gentleman is going to be leaving here on the arms of anyone other than a cop or a medic!
Weasel: So... does that mean it's a draw?
Shawn: Actually... yes, ladies and gentlemen, I think it's true... we do have a winner!
Weasel: Why, would you lookit that! So we do! Our winner for the evening wasn't even in the competition, but is surrounded almost every single lady who was in this establishment, the lucky bastard!
Shawn: I think high congratulations are in order for our winner, SANJI!! I guess the way to a woman's heart is also through her stomach. Join us next time for our next competition between the imPorted, a cop-off between Lassi and Pete. Who will arrest more bad guys in one afternoon? Who will do so within the bounds of the law?
Weasel: Thank you all and have a wonderful evening!
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... Wait, which version is this? Original or rejigged?
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It is an amazing piece of writing that will be honoured throughout the decades of the wooooorld.
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