goshdarnspam | TEN THINGS

It Isnt Your Fault
Im Simply Not Capable Of Being Helped

THAT'S A BULLSHIT EXCUSE FOR A COPOUT AND YOU KNOW IT IS.
BUT YOU KNOW THIS ATTITUDE HERE IS PART OF WHY IT'S SO DIFFICULT TO HELP YOU.
IT'S LIKE YOU'RE ALREADY RESIGNED TO EVERYTHING BEING A ROILING VAT OF SHIT STEW FOREVER.
IT'S LIKE YOU'VE ALREADY GIVEN UP, BEFORE YOU OR ANYONE ELSE HAS EVEN TRIED TO CLAMBER OUT OF IT.

To Say Its Like That Only Draws The Comparison
While Comparing Something To Its Actual Self Is Redundant
You Arent Placing Them Side By Side
But Holding A Mirror To One Because The Other Is Also That Same One

NO, NO, NO, NO
THIS NEEDS TO STOP.
YOU NEED TO STOP.
STOP. STOP. STOP.
DO YOU THINK IT'S EVER AS EASY AS JUST GIVING UP?
DO YOU REALLY? DO YOU THINK I'D LET YOU DO THAT AFTER EVERYTHING WE'VE GONE THROUGH?
THERE IS NO GIVING UP, KANAYA. THERE IS NO RESIGNATION.
NOT FOR YOU, NOT FOR ME, NOT FOR ANYONE.
WE DON'T *GET* THAT LUXURY.

And Just What Am I Meant To Be Doing Instead
Continuing On Meaninglessly For Its Own Sake
While Everyone Regards Me With A Removed Sympathy Over How Ive Outlived My Usefulness
Humoring My Aspirations At Relevance By Trying To Find Some Level Of Involvement In Their Lives
Should Anyone Depend On Me Then Its Only Because Ive Inserted Myself Into The Situation In A Way That Allows Them To
If Anything Ive Arrested Their Opportunity To Develop As Individuals By Filling A Position They Should Themselves Occupy
Im No Longer Only Purposeless
If Anything Ive Become Detrimental
Like A Crutch To A Healed Limb That Has Only Sustained Its Atrophy Because It Does Not Stand On Its Own Power
It Would Be Better For Everyone If I Werent Here

DO YOU EVEN KNOW WHAT YOU'RE SAYING
ARE YOU HEARING YOURSELF RIGHT NOW?
WE KEEP GOING BECAUSE THE ALTERNATIVE IS LETTING THE EPHEMERAL FORCES THAT TAKE SUCH PLEASURE IN FUCKING WITH OUR LIVES WIN.
BECAUSE WE HAVE TO.
BECAUSE WE'RE NOT DONE, KANAYA. YOU'RE NOT DONE.
WE HAVE SHIT WE STILL NEED TO DO. THERE ARE THINGS THAT STILL NEED FIXING, BOTH HERE AND BACK HOME.
YOU'RE NOT PURPOSELESS.
IT WOULD BE SO MUCH *EASIER* IF WE WERE PURPOSELESS.
IF WE HAD THE RIGHT TO JUST LAY DOWN AND GIVE IN! WOULDN'T THAT BE A RELIEF.
BUT WE'RE NOT, AND WE DON'T.
AND IT'S UNLIKELY WE WILL BE IN THE NEAR FUTURE.
EVERYTHING YOU JUST SAID IS PRETTY MUCH THE OPPOSITE OF WHAT'S ACTUALLY TRUE.
IF YOU WEREN'T HERE I'D
I DON'T KNOW, KANAYA.
I DON'T REALLY WANT TO THINK ABOUT IT.
I LOVE YOU, YOU INSUFFERABLY OBSTINATE MORON.
DO YOU UNDERSTAND THAT?
DO I HAVE TO PAINSTAKINGLY LIST EVERY POSITIVE ATTRIBUTE YOU POSSESS AND ALL THE REASONS WHY IF YOU WEREN'T HERE I AM PRETTY SURE THIS PLACE WOULD COLLAPSE UNDER THE WEIGHT OF ITS OWN SHITTINESS?
DO I HAVE TO PUT OUT A PETITION? DO I HAVE TO STAGE AN INTERVENTION THAT WOULD IN ALL LIKELIHOOD BE HORRENDOUSLY HUMILIATING FOR ALL INVOLVED AND END UP BREAKING AWAY FROM THE POINT OF THE GATHERING IN THE FIRST PLACE TO DEVOLVE INTO PREDICTABLY AND EXHAUSTINGLY MORONIC SHENANIGANS?
DO I HAVE TO RENT A FUCKING INDUSTRIAL DRILL TO GET IT THROUGH YOUR HEAD?
WHAT DO I HAVE TO DO.
I'LL DO IT.
I'LL PROBABLY EMBARRASS US BOTH ON HERETOFORE UNEXPLORED LEVELS OF EMBARRASSMENT.
AND I WON'T EVEN CARE!

Well If I Thought The Drill Would Work Id
...

A Transition Characterized By Discomfort Is Always Customary In A Period Of Upheaval
Qualities That Have Fallen Into Disuse Suddenly Demand Activity
But They Were Always There Waiting For You To Call Upon Them
It Only Required That The Person Monopolizing The Exertion Of Such Qualities To Step Aside
To End Her Interruption Of The Groups Ultimate Progress
You Only Thought You Ever Needed Me Because I Made You Need Me
Because I Demanded To Be In A Position Where Someone Did
And Youre Right It Has Only Continued Out Of Obstinacy
I Didnt Have The Good Sense To Remain Dead And Because Of That Nothing Has Been Fixed
Nothing Has Been Done
When We Arent At A Standstill We Only Descend Further Down This Dark Corridor
And I If Anything Have Only Exacerbated That
Because You Dont Seem To Realize That These Ephemeral Forces Of Yours Have In Fact Prevailed Already
At Least Over Me

NO
NO
FUCK THAT
YOU *DO NOT* GET TO CALL THE VALIDITY OF MY PERSPECTIVE INTO QUESTION AFTER I JUST PROCLAIMED MY UNDYING AFFECTION FOR YOU IN PRETTY MUCH THE SAPPIEST MANNER I COULD POSSIBLY MUSTER, WITH EXTRA SAP, SIDE HELPINGS OF SAP AND SAP SPRINKLED ON THE SAPPY FUCKING TOP.
YOU. DO NOT. GET. TO DO THAT.
THAT'S NOT FAIR.
YOU DON'T GET TO INVALIDATE THAT, OR JUST BRUSH IT ASIDE LIKE IT MEANS JACK SHIT.
I DON'T NEED YOU BECAUSE I CAN'T COPE BY MYSELF.
OR BECAUSE YOU FILL SOME NICHE WHERE MY OWN CAPABILITIES FALL SHORT.
I DON'T NEED YOU BECAUSE YOU'RE A TOOL, OR A CRUTCH, OR WHATEVER BULLSHIT YOU WANT TO TELL YOURSELF.
IF YOU HAD LISTENED TO WHAT I SAID, THE WORDS "I NEED YOU" DIDN'T ACTUALLY COME UP.
I'M NOT AS INCOMPETENT OR FRAGILE AS YOU APPEAR TO THINK I AM.
IF THERE'S ANYTHING AT ALL I'M CAPABLE OF DOING, IT'S THAT I CAN DEAL.
WHAT I SAID WAS THAT I LOVE YOU.
AND IF THAT'S STILL NOT ENOUGH FOR YOU
I DON'T KNOW WHAT ELSE TO TELL YOU.
I MEAN
I GUESS I CAN SEE WHY IT WOULDN'T BE. I'M NOT THE GREATEST SHINING EXAMPLE OF FRIENDSHIP OR SUPPORT ANYONE EVER BEHELD.
IN FACT I'M PRETTY AWFUL AT IT.
BUT WHAT YOU DON'T SEEM TO REALIZE IS THE ONLY WAY THESE EPHEMERAL FORCES CAN WIN IS IF YOU LET THEM.
WHICH IS EXACTLY WHAT YOU'RE DOING.
AND EXACTLY WHAT YOU'RE GOING TO STOP DOING.
NOTHING *WILL* BE FIXED AND NOTHING *WILL* GET DONE IF YOU KEEP THIS UP, KANAYA.
PLEASE
*PLEASE*
I'M FUCKING BEGGING YOU
DON'T DO THIS.

Thats Just What I Was Saying
You Never Needed Me To Begin With
You Have Within Your Ouevre The Ability To Fill Those Niches Yourself
I Simply Did My Best To Convince You That I Should Instead
But Theres No Point In Fooling Ourselves On That Point
I Dont Mean To Invalidate Your Feelings Karkat
I Just Dont Understand Them
Because Theyre Wasted On A
Well Okay
Un-Dead Weight
Is That Really All I Have Left
Holding Fast Because Others Want Me To
I Guess It Was Easier When No One Knew
I Could Just Pretend That Nothing Was Wrong And Maybe Begin To Believe It Myself
And If That Didnt Work Maybe I Could Slip Away Quietly And Leave No One The Wiser
You Never Were Supposed To Discover It
Because Now That You Have I Dont Know What I Can Do
But Despite The Narrowing Options The Impetus Has Only Become More Critical
And No One Wants Some Dead Thing Parading Around As If Shes Something More Than That

I WANT SOME DEAD THING PARADING AROUND AS IF SHE'S SOMETHING MORE THAN THAT.
I REALLY WANT THAT.
BECAUSE, HEY, GUESS WHAT, SHE IS MORE THAN THAT.
A LOT MORE THAN THAT.
AND YOU HAVE A LOT MORE THAN JUST HOLDING FAST BECAUSE OTHERS WANT YOU TO LEFT.
YOU'RE ONE OF THE BEST PEOPLE I KNOW, KANAYA.
AND WHILE I MAY BE ABLE TO COPE WITHOUT YOU IF I WAS FORCED TO.
I DON'T WANT TO.
DON'T FORCE ME TO.
I DON'T KNOW HOW TO MAKE YOU SEE IT.
I DON'T KNOW HOW TO HELP YOU.
BUT JUST BECAUSE I DON'T KNOW HOW DOESN'T MAKE IT IMPOSSIBLE.
I PROMISED YOU I WOULDN'T LET YOU CAREEN OVER THE EDGE, REMEMBER?

Karkat I Know Most Of The People You Do
So I Already Know The Inaccuracy Of Considering Me Among Their Best
Im Not Slipping Over The Edge Because I Cant Let My Failure Become Yours
But That Edge Was Outward
Where The Problem
The Common Factor In Each Case
Was Closer Than Id Dared Admit
Should I Need To Remind You Who It Was That Needed To Compromise To See My Conflict With Gamzee End
That Was A Problem Because I Made One Of It
As Is True In Every Case
So What More Am I Really Other Than A Corpse Who Wont Decompose
Except For When She Does

YOU DON'T KNOW THE INACCURACY OF IT.
IF YOU KNEW ANYTHING ABOUT INACCURACY YOU WOULDN'T BE BLABBERING THE *STONE COLD INACCURATE* NONSENSE YOU ARE NOW.
WHAT ARE YOU?
WHAT *ARE* YOU?
YOU'RE MY BEST FRIEND.
WHICH DOESN'T APPEAR TO MEAN ANYTHING TO YOU ANYMORE, IF THIS CONVERSATION IS ANYTHING TO GO ON.
YOU SEEM TO BE OPERATING UNDER THE IMPRESSION THAT I DON'T KNOW WHAT IT'S LIKE TO HATE YOURSELF.
OR WHAT IT'S LIKE TO BE HOPELESS.
I DO.
AND I ALSO KNOW THAT IT ONLY GETS WORSE WHEN YOU DO GIVE UP, KANAYA.
IT'S LIKE DROWNING.
YOU STOP THRASHING AND YOU JUST SINK DEEPER AND DEEPER AND EVENTUALLY THERE'S NO GETTING BACK TO THE SURFACE, YOU'RE DONE FOR.
AND I GUESS THAT'S YOUR CUE TO GIVE ME MORE POINTLESS DOOM AND GLOOM I GUESS.
WAIT HERE LET ME DO IT FOR YOU AND SAVE YOU THE TROUBLE.
Ive Already Sunk Past The Point Of No Return Im Afraid
Bluh Bluh Excuses Excuses
BULLSHIT.
YOU CAN DO THIS, KANAYA.
I KNOW YOU CAN.
IT DOESN'T GET EASIER, I WON'T PATRONIZE YOU BY TELLING YOU IT DOES.
BUT YOU GET BETTER AT IT THE LONGER YOU DON'T LET IT TAKE YOU OVER.
THE MORE PISSED OFF AND DEFIANT YOU GET.
YOU GET MOMENTUM.
AND EVENTUALLY YOU FORGET HOW TO STOP.
JUST
PLEASE TRUST ME?

I Dont Know That I Can Find It In Me To Get Angry About It Anymore
Its Difficult To Gain Momentum From A Standing Position
I Want To Trust You On This
You Deserve To Have Me Trust You
To Have Me Be A Better Friend But
I Dont Know Where To Begin

IT'S OK.
I DON'T KNOW EITHER.
WE CAN FIGURE IT OUT TOGETHER. IT'LL BE A DUAL EFFORT.
I DON'T THINK YOU NECESSARILY HAVE TO GET ANGRY ABOUT IT. THAT'S JUST THE WAY I DO IT.
AND LET'S FACE IT THE WAY I DO THINGS PROBABLY ISN'T THE ONE YOU WANT A WHOLE LOT OF PEOPLE TAKING AFTER.
BUT WE'LL THINK OF SOMETHING.
YOU DON'T DESERVE TO BE HATED. ESPECIALLY NOT BY YOU.
YOU DON'T NEED ANYONE ELSE'S VALIDATION OR APPROVAL, OR TO BE USEFUL FOR THE SAKE OF BEING USEFUL.
BECAUSE YOU'RE GOOD ENOUGH ALL BY YOURSELF.
YOU'RE A GOOD PERSON.
AND THE ONLY PERSON WHOSE APPROVAL YOU NEED IS YOURS.
AND WHEN YOU DON'T GIVE YOURSELF THAT APPROVAL YOU'RE LETTING YOURSELF DOWN.
BECAUSE UNLIKE WHAT A LOT OF PEOPLE CAN SAY, YOU'VE ACTUALLY EARNED IT.
MORE THAN EARNED IT.
AND YOU'RE JUST CHEATING YOURSELF OUT OF WHAT'S RIGHTFULLY YOURS.
AND PREVENTING SOMEONE WHO'S ALREADY GREAT FROM SEEING WHAT'S RIGHT IN FRONT OF THEM.
THIS SELF LOATHING THING DOESN'T SUIT YOU, KANAYA.
YOU'RE BETTER THAN THIS.
AND YOU DESERVE BETTER.
I GUESS THIS WON'T MATTER TO YOU SINCE YOU DON'T BELIEVE ME, BUT YOU REALLY ARE THE BEST OF US.

JUST PROMISE ME YOU'LL TRY, OK?

I Dont Know What I Would Actually Need To Do To Make This Attempt
So Agreeing May Be Little More Than Lip Service
But I Guess I Can At Least Put Some Thought Into The Requirements Therein

TEN THINGS

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