Dear Abby...

[guardiandevil]

the advice column meme



✍ Post as your characters.
✍ Go around to other characters asking for advice of any kind.  This can be done logged in or anon.
✍ Respond to these pleas for help ICly.
✍ Shenanigans!
✍  ???
✍  Profit!
✍ Bonus points for actually playing out what you're advised to do!

Comments

[ebony-mask.livejournal.com]

Dear Curious,

Fuck no! Raccoons are sneaky, crazy bastards who lure unsuspecting victims, especially children, with their seemingly cute and harmless ways. Then SNAP! the fuckers sink their fangs into your soft, yielding flesh and induce hellish hallucinations. So my point is: stay far the fuck away from them unless you have a death wish.

Stay safe,
Mr. Sionis

[(Anonymous)]

Dear Mr. Sionis,

Many thanks for your kind words. I fear that Thomas Blake is actually a rabid raccoon, what should I do?

- Very Worried.

P.S. If you don't know who Thomas Blake it, I can't say I blame you.

[ebony-mask.livejournal.com]

Dear Very Worried,

There are several options in your scenario. If you have any enemies you'd like to torment, you could carefully capture Thomas Blake and use him to do your dirty work for you. However, given your fears, this may not be possible. If you have no practical usage for him, you do what you'd do to any rabid animal: you put it down. If you are a total pussy, which I kind of think you are, telling mommy and daddy and avoiding the situation entirely will be your best solution.

Keep me posted,
Mr. Sionis

[(Anonymous)]

Sionis,

So are you mommy or are you daddy?

- WV.

[ebony-mask.livejournal.com]

Dear WV,

I hope not, although the possibility isn't entirely slim.

Convince me why I should be Daddy.

Kind of intrigued now,
Mr. "I could be your Daddy" Sionis

[(Anonymous)]

Sionis,

I was rather hoping you'd opt for mommy, actually.

Still not unnerved,
WV

[ebony-mask.livejournal.com]

Dear WV,

No.

Definitely Not Your Mommy,
Mr. "Who's Your Daddy" Sionis

[(Anonymous)]

Roman,

Hm. I didn't assume you'd face that one down.

- Feeling Rather Awkward Now

[ebony-mask.livejournal.com]

Dear F.R.A.N.,

This is getting weird. What are you even trying to say? I can't tell if you want me to kill Blake for you or join you in some bizarre fetishist thing.

Please Explain ASAP,
Mr. Sionis

[(Anonymous)]

Roman --

Off the bat (get it?) tell me this: could you combine the two? I heard Thomas looks swell in a black latex catsuit.

[ebony-mask.livejournal.com]

Dear Kinky Anonymous,

It's always been obvious to me that Thomas dresses the way he does because he wants to be a certain someone. I'd have no problem shoving him in a black latex catsuit for shit and giggles. However, at the moment, he's more useful to me alive, and more importantly, I have no idea where you fit into this grand scheme. Talk to me here.

Never Enters a Business Partnership Without Research,
Mr. Roman Sionis